Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He passed out mid-signature
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
