I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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