Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
