That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
