Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
People in love make me want to vomit
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
