Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
