Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
