What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
