I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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