There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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