I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
