while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
