but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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