Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
