Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
