My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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