sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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