i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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