I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
