can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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