My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
