just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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