***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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