Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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