Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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