Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
