I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
