we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
