Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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