Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
