Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
