Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
