they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
being pregnant is like rehab
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
