I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
my poor anus
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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