upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
