Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
