Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
cat food counts as protein by the way
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
