oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
