I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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