Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
