Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
