I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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