This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
