I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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