no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
