Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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