WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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