What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize