Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
