i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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