Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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