This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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