I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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