I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We were destined to go to rehab together
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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