he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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