what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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