ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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