Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
