it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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