I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
