my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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