Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
