Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
