i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
