a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
